IT’S A REAL LOO-DUNNIT — Mystery surrounds portaloos’ Brodgar day-trip

A mysterious blue box appearing and then promptly disappearing at the Ring of Brodgar.

If this sounds like an episode of Doctor Who you’d be wrong — but it’s a tale just as puzzling!

Turd-is might be a more apt name than Tardis for the box — or boxes as they appear to be — which materialised at the historic site for a day, last month, in what is understood to have been a political stunt.

Indeed, the perplexing portaloos — which were reportedly emptied and bundled back into a heavy vehicle as quickly as they arrived — point to a lingering problem which Brodgar just can’t shake off.

Those at the Neolithic ring would be forgiven for thinking, on the morning of the portaloos’ arrival, that they were a long-awaited answer to the site’s ongoing toilet problem.

But when news of the loos trickled down to The Orcadian, this week, this reporter was hard-pushed to find anyone who would own up to placing them there.

Orkney Islands Council (OIC) officers told an April meeting that there would be no change in the toilet situation at Brodgar this season, despite years of smelly stories drifting under the noses of every decision-maker in the county.

Indeed, councillors were told that putting temporary toilets in place would not be straightforward, given environmental constraints, and that it would also be extremely expensive.

This has rankled tour guides, one of whom recently told the newspaper how a desperate tourist found themselves defecating in a coach, apparently due to the lack of facilities.

This “embarrassing” incident is not an isolated one,The Orcadian has heard, and it is all the more frustrating for coach tour conductors whose vehicles are fitted with chemical toilets which they say cannot be used because there is nowhere they are permitted to empty them.

Still, any dream of a grand u-turn — or perhaps u-bend — by OIC was quickly dashed, as the council assured us that it “did not arrange for the portable toilets to be placed at the Ring of Brodgar car park” — nor was it notified as the owner of said car park, either before or after the fact.

Likewise, contact with multiple cruise companies — to see whether they had hired a loo or two for a day so passengers wouldn’t be caught short — drew a blank.

Historic Environment Scotland (HES), which is in charge of the Ring of Brodgar as part of Orkney’s UNESCO World Heritage Site, has previously been criticised for an “insulting” offer of financial support towards a temporary toilet solution.

April’s policy and resources meeting heard Councillor Leslie Manson spell out his frustration.

“All we ever seem to do is talk about it or hear other people talk about it,” said the Kirkwall West and Orphir councillor, who slammed an offer of £4,000 by HES towards an estimated E100,000 for providing temporary facilities.

“We don’t seem to be getting any closer to getting on and doing it.”

Well, it appears that some person or persons have taken it upon themselves to do just that — albeit for just a day.

A tip about about the livery of the vehicle led us to a local company, which was able to confirm that portaloos had been delivered and then uplifted by one of its vehicles to Brodgar some weeks ago.

The firm is remaining tight-lipped on who made the order.

The Orcadian understands that whoever did was keen to make a point, albeit anonymously and in a way that did not immediately alert the press.

Indeed, it would appear that the enigmatic portaloo patron or patrons simply wish to show authorities just how easy it might be to solve this longstanding issue.

HES has declined to comment on whether this portaloo protest has demonstrated that there would be a viable solution.

OIC, however, believes that it has not proven anything.

A council spokeswoman said: “By their nature (and name), portaloos can be transported and installed almost anywhere.

“While we appreciate some may feel that portable toilets in the Ring of Brodgar car park should be straightforward, the issue is the complex regulatory environment that would govern any lawful installation, which, despite owning the car park, the council does not have the authority to bypass.”

OIC directed the newspaper to a report put forward to the development and infrastructure committee in March, 2024. This notes that a recommendation to place temporary toilets at Brodgar for a three-year period was put forward the previous year, but it was felt the matter needed more discussion.

In 2024, it was instead recommended that permanent toilets be placed in the car park by 2027 (although it was noted that it was unlikely such a development would be completed by then).

A motion to do the “bare minimum” in the meantime — namely monthly cleaning of the car park between May and September, and directional signage to the nearest toilet facilities — was approved for “immediate progression”.

An HES spokeswoman said: “We are aware of a recent occurance [sic] where portaloos were delivered to and collected from the Ring of Brodgar, however, this was not arranged by Historic Environment Scotland or the Orkney Islands Council (OIC).

“HES will continue to work in partnership with

OIC to shape the long-term future of the World Heritage Site.”

For now, Brodgar is once again toilet-free — except, that is, for the small public facility two miles down the road in Stenness.

And so the smelly saga rumbles on…